No - you're not seeing things - you've just happened upon a new blog post - finally! I have missed everything about writing - and I'm sorry that I'm not better at prioritizing my 'to do' list. I wouldn't say it's a 2012 resolution, but I'm going to do my very best to write at least once a month (if not more). Fingers crossed!
And, just because I haven't written doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about it. I literally think about it all of the time, and have a list of topics I will (I promise) eventually write about. Maybe my biggest problem is that I have too many ideas, paired with the fact that I tell unreasonably long and detailed stories? (As my Dad would say, "Ok - what's your point?") So, it overwhelms me to imagine where to start. So sue me! ;)
I've had the idea for this particular post for ages, though. This will either be a benefit - or a curse - with regards to the actual writing process...
The wise woman whose mantra is the title of this post was my Gramma's sister, who was consequently my Mom's aunt (and who was therefore my 'great aunt'). And she was just that - great. From what I hear now since her passing, she was one of those "love her or leave her" types. She was either a big hit with the people who she crossed paths with, or, well... she wasn't.
Aunt, Mom & Gramma @ our "Hat Party"
According to my Gramma, my Mom, and myself - she was a unanimous hit. Scratch that - she was a fabulous and phenomenal woman with a take it or leave it approach to life that worked her tail off, lived unconventionally, had an infectious smile, and was wildly independent. Her independence led her to say things that some likely found offensive. But, they were always true things that likely needed (or deserved) to be heard. She never criticized needlessly, gossiped about hurtful things, complained about her less-than ideal circumstances, or was rude for the sake of it. And, tied in with her ability to be offensive to some, she was hugely praising of others. She could very quickly put a deserving person or situation 'in it's place', and in the same breath, thank you from the bottom of her big and beautiful heart, compliment you so genuinely it would take your breath away, or share a sweet story of her past that would leave you smiling for days. When you live this way, you narrow your army of love, yes. But, the people still in it are not only incredible, they are usually in it for life.
Funny, come to think of it - you could re-read the above paragraph and substitute my Mom for most (if not all) of those character descriptions. My Mom was eerily like her aunt, without even being aware of it or seeming to try. I wish I had seen my Mom in the same positive light as I always held my Aunt while she was still living, though. But isn't that hindsight often the way?
In the whirlwind of a mother-daughter relationship, where there are fights about what you're wearing, where you're going, who you'll be with, etc., there is little room for appreciating simple opportunities, or sharing raw emotions. We strangely save our 'best selves' for the people we see the least, and take out our stresses and selfishness on the people we see most often. We have a taken for granted expectation that they will always be there and love you no matter what, even (and maybe especially) when you least deserve it. Usually, especially when it comes to mothers, this holds true. I think back to visits with my great-aunt where I consciously let superficial and egotistical inclinations go in order to be fully aware and present in the moment. I guess, looking back, that I did that because I saw her rarely enough that I wanted each visit to be special. I also knew she was aging and had health concerns that could rob her from me at any time. So, I didn't want to have any regrets in the time I had left with her.
If only someone could have shouted in my ear, "Your mother will only live to be 59! She will die when you are 26! Don't waste precious moments!" then maybe I would have approached our relationship differently. But, I would have likely scoffed at that in disbelief. My Mom? Are you kidding me? Have you met her?
I know I've mentioned before that I truly believed, even while fighting cancer, that nothing could stop her.
Don't get me wrong; I was a darn good daughter in many ways. I loved her so much it broke my heart sometimes (so you can imagine what my heart sometimes feels like now). I did my best to do well in school, be a good person, and support her when she needed it most. But, deep inside each of us is an individual whose wants and needs don't always line up with those people close to our hearts. So - sometimes we disagree. It's natural! If only realistic and rational me could convince emotional me of this truth now...
I remember in my great-aunt's last couple of years we shared a lot of tender and trouble-free moments I will cherish forever. For example, on Wednesdays I would make her breakfast for lunch (as I was working in the same town that she lived in). She loved poached eggs and toast (and so did I) so it was a treat we both looked forward to. I'd breeze through the process as if I was born doing it, like it was easy breezy and I didn't have a care in the world. Deep inside I was trembling, and all I could think was "don't let this be the day that you screw this up". It's amazing the pressure we put on themselves when it comes to avoiding disappointment in the people we look up to most! All I wanted was for her to be truly happy, and yes - to hear her compliments and expressions of gratitude that would fill up my sense of self gas tank until my next good deed in her favour.
She liked her eggs runny (but not too runny), her toast slightly browned and buttered, and as little water on her plate as possible so that her bread wouldn't get soggy. I would say that's a fair and common wish list when it comes to how people want their poached eggs served. But - the likelihood of meeting all of those eggspectations isn't always that easy. Thankfully? I got it right every time. Not because she scared me into it, but I guess because I wanted nothing but the best for her and got very, very lucky. It's truly amazing how some people can have that power and influence over you, whoever they are.
I remember one day I arrived particularly upset about how my morning had been going. I was dating a guy that rarely put me first, and had experienced a difficult start to my day at work. I wasn't going to mention it, but she knew as soon as I walked through her back door that I 'wasn't my normal sun-shiny self'. All she said was, "If you need to cry, cry. And, if you want to talk, talk. But if you just need to cry, just cry." I'm sure you can guess what I did; I cried, and cried, and cried until I felt like a new day had begun, and in no time we were laughing and talking about everything but my morning. Lunch was a success, even considering blurred vision (with a pinch of runny nose on the side). She was magically intuitive 'medicine'.
I'm quite different from how she was, but, her voice still whispers in my ear at times when I need it most. And, the mantra she proudly and adamantly shared still rings in my ears, 'there are worse things than being alone'. And, coming from her, you can believe it. "Aunt", as my Dad aptly nicknamed her, had a partner in life who liked fancy cars, nice suits and shoes, and his own hobbies. Maybe he lived carefree and selfishly because he knew he had a woman who brought home the bacon, cooked it - and cleaned up after - too. Still - no excuses.
Me (with 2 of the strongest most wonderful women I've ever known)
I never met the man (he strangely died a year or 2 before I was born to the day). But, because of his choices my aunt suffered a lot of hardships that never would have occurred had it been up to her. Her father was an incredible carpenter who built Aunt and her husband their beautiful family home. But, because of her husband's lifestyle and choices they went bankrupt and had to give it up. Over the years she watched as the new owners showed little pride in ownership, and changed it in ways she disagreed with. Her father lived right across the road so that haunted and taunted him, too. The one they had after Aunt paid for mostly on her own, which was mostly unheard of in her day. In the meantime, her husband smoked himself to death.
After he died, when Aunt was still quite young, she never dated or re-married. Her reasoning? "There were worse things than being alone". You go girl! Similarly, my Mom's mantra (having also remained single after things didn't work out with my Dad) "He's got to be pretty special to earn a spot in my bed". Bingo. These 2 women were brilliant! They had it all figured out with parallel logic and reasoning. I unfailingly respected and appreciated my great-aunt's way of thinking, but (unfortunately) mistakenly misunderstood my Mom's approach to love and friendship while she was still living.
My Mom's ability to eliminate 'friends' from her life, and her unwillingness to look for or accept the love of another man was misinterpreted by me as being cold and standoffish; opinionated and rude; offensive and guarded. Now that she's gone I see it as careful and confident; strong and persistent; independent and guarded (guarded being the only descriptor that I maintain, but now with a positive connotation).
People typically become guarded because a person or experience has made them that way. My Mom had every right to have acquired that trait. From her experiences with her family, my Dad, some friends throughout her life, and then with me, there were many reasons for my Mom to become cautious. She was a generous giver who rarely asked for anything in return. But - one thing I know and see now is that appreciation and gratitude can go a very long way.
Throughout my life I saw my Mom get to breaking points with family and friends (and me). She would lose her cool because her hard work, thoughtfulness and generosity were being taken for granted. All she really ever wanted was a 'thank you' to recognize her selflessness, but unfortunately too many people are too busy, blind, or proud. Her disappointments would build up until the tower of disenchantment toppled, and she'd say things that she couldn't take back.
But looking back - if she'd had the chance, I'd doubt she even would have.
I'm getting to be more like this in my ripe old age of almost 28. I might not be as feisty, but I'm losing patience with people who I can't be my true self around, who put themselves first, who lie, play mind games, criticize, or compete. I don't do any of these things (on purpose anyway), so why should I struggle to be close with people like this, when I frown on and so disapprove of these qualities?
If at times you have let me down or affected my confidence negatively (on purpose), put yourself first to spite me, or did anything to make my heart sink and race at the same time - you may find you hear from and see less of me. No offence...
Listen - life is short. I wake up each day and am thankful for a new day and a new chance. I try very hard not to criticize (yes - I slip up sometimes! But, I am also very able and willing to own it and apologize if I happen to do it in a malicious way). I never lie to hurt someone or control a situation (white lies are sometimes used to keep peace and protect people - yes). I value my relationships and do my best to let the people I love know it - whenever I can - because you never know when you won't have another chance (not morbid - realistic!). I have a sappy heart that I wear on my sleeve, which sometimes means people poke at it cruelly. People who aren't like me don't always 'get me' and my sensitivities - and that used to really hurt and frustrate me.
I used to wonder; how can some people question me and my good intentions? How come some people pick on my weaknesses, just because they see them and know they can? Why are some people so fiercely aware of who they are and what they want that they'll steam roll over anyone in their way without looking back at the damage done?
I don't know.
What I do know - more now than ever - is that I have an army of love some people would pay big money for. I have people in my life that if you allowed them to be in control of the world, a lot of things would right themselves. I have people that I shake my head about, wondering if it's really me - the voice in my head I know so well - that they treasure. I am grateful every day for the thoughtful, generous, loving, and fair people I have added to my army in different stages of my life. This gratitude gives me a strength that is hard to explain, as I'm not a typically 'strong' person by nature. But, it is slowly helping me to weed out or walk past the people who have hurt me needlessly.
I'm not saying people will always like each other and get along; hell no! I've had my 'people won't always like you, C' epiphany - that was a bitter pill! But, it is possible to respect differences, take into consideration another person's feelings and personality traits before making choices that involve them, and keep your mouth shut and not say things that will hurt their heart.
Too bad some people have faulty censor buttons or tunnel vision when it comes to how they treat others.
So, at the risk of some day being 'alone', I'm not going to keep building bridges with people who continually choose to burn them. Nope! I'm going to save those materials to build new bridges to connect with new friends and loved ones that I find along my way.
Ultimately, "there are worse things than being alone", yes. Like being in the company of people that make your skin crawl with frustration, insecurity, or disbelief. That's way worse than curling up with a good book, doing some yoga, having a glass of wine, eating chocolate, going for a walk, shopping, etc., by yourself. Being by yourself doesn't mean that someone out there isn't missing you, loving you, and supporting you in that instant you're alone, just from a different place. You just can't always be together.
So, the only-child in me is proud to say I will no longer keep 'filler friends' just because of mutual friends, a long history together, or because someone else thinks I should. I've always been quite good at being independent, no matter how quiet and laid back my version of independence is - so I'll embrace it!
As I've mentioned before, regret can teach us some valuable lessons - if we let it. And, I do regret disagreeing with (without question) my Mom's approach to discarding friendships. I now see the situations she was in more clearly, as an adult experiencing similar circumstances, and I now respect her strength and ability to take the risks she did. My Mom still had plenty of wonderful, magical, lovely friends at the end of her life.
We only have so much energy in our day to day lives - why waste it in toxic and draining places when we can save it up for the people who appreciate us and deserve it most? When we give ourselves to people like that, we get back (tenfold).
Thankfully I have an incredible man who has promised to keep me - so I don't have an empty bed (for long stretches of time, anyway), and I have enough friends that are so 'good' I pinch myself sometimes. My army of love has a foundation so strong I'll never feel entirely alone. Even if I decide to shed some connections along the way because they take more than they give, I won't fret; for around the next corner of life there will be another person who will take the earth out from under me when I realize how amazing they are.
My Gramma was always very creative. She painted, sketched, and made
"Crazy Quilts" (which she turned into pillows, curtains, or purses).
Here are a few samplings. 1 was mine, 1 was my Mom's, and 2 were Aunt's. If you look closely you'll see our names embroidered on, as well as symbols and images that my Gramma chose to represent "us".
Amen.
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