So my husband and I have been married twice in the past 2 and a half years. With that comes a fairly constant barrage of baby requests, questioning, and assumptions. I did a 6 week cleanse back in January and February, and I can only imagine how many people thought it was some facade to hide my first trimester (I wasn't drinking alcohol or consuming caffeine).
Well, I'm not pregnant, and never have been (just setting that record straight).
Well, I'm not pregnant, and never have been (just setting that record straight).
I don't take the honour or responsibility of becoming a mother lightly. In short, there are far too many people who have children who shouldn't, for any number of reasons. Mostly? They aren't old enough, financially or mentally stable enough, or because they were naive about the task and aren't committed to the fact that they are shaping and creating a small person who will someday become a big one. FYI; babies do not come pre-programmed to be successful (socially, emotionally, academically, financially, morally, etc.) This is the biggest job any woman (preferably with the help of an accountable and committed man) can take on. Too many people have children because they weren't being careful. Too many people have children to trap men they think they can keep forever, as long as they incorporate their DNA into an innocent being they now have in common. Too many people have children because they aren't strong enough to live independently, and need the love and devotion of someone else (these people should get a pet), and some people have children because they think they're a cute accessory to add to their lives. Children can't be put on a shelf to be admired. Children can't be turned off. Children are hard to fix once you've broken them. Children are sponges and react to and learn from every choice you make that they see.
Wake up, people! Children change your world in every possible way. To do them justice, you must realize this. To do your best job (no one is a perfect parent) you must embrace this. Having a child is the most permanent, un-alterable, irreversible thing you can do. Tattoos can be removed. You can quit your job. You can divorce your spouse. You can trade in a car. You can upgrade your cell phone. I say this loosely, because too many people raise their children abysmally, but you cannot throw in the hat as a parent. Even if they somehow end up in someone else's care, that fact alone shapes them irrevocably.
I haven't had a child yet because I get this, and it terrifies me. But, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't starting to get really excited about the prospects of this huge life change being something I'm going to embrace in the near future.
You see, my parents didn't plan to have me. My Dad was still married to his first wife, and my Mom wasn't into the idea of having a baby (maybe ever). He (and something deep inside of her) convinced her that abortion wasn't the best idea, even if the appointment was all lined up. Her own father approached her with an envelope of money and suggested she 'deal with it' (he has since told me that would have been the worst thing that could have happened to him). I was a mistake and a problem from the moment I was conceived, and unfortunately I was reminded of that with regularity throughout my life. Even at a very young age, in my very formative years, I was told I was a mistake. I was told, in moments of anger (we all have them) that my mother wished she'd never had me. My father, being largely absent from my everyday life, didn't likely realize he was adding to my very poor idea of myself. But, I remember actively and regularly thinking, "If my own parents don't want me... If my own parents don't love me... Who does? Who would? Who will?"
And, the sick and sad part of this is that I had a lot of love around me. I thank anyone and everyone - from the bottom of my heart - who ever made me feel worth, beauty and love, because it sustained me. But, in the back of my mind, no matter how 'loved' I was by others, I always felt 'not good enough'. It's amazing but true; my husband has loved me unconditionally and openly more in the past 4 years than my parents did for my first 16, combined. Talk about serious healing going on, with regards to my sense of self.
I never, ever want my children to feel that way. I want them to know I wanted them. I want them to know I cherish them. I want them to not just hear it, but feel it, believe it, and have full confidence that they are the best things that ever happened to me (well, along with my other incredible life experiences and loved ones of course). I don't ever want to feel I have the right to resent them (even if sometimes I may, because I'll miss things I don't get to do anymore, or as much).
I may have just painted a really nasty picture of my Mom (and Dad for that matter), and this blog is about her. I hope that the ones prior to this have built her up to be more than what I've just said. She was more than this. She did a lot of things when it comes to motherhood just right. She did a lot of things she apologized for later, which I'm actually grateful for because of how they've shaped me. She did a lot of things most mothers don't do, because she thought outside of the box so much of the time. I may have been embarrassed by those things at times, but in hindsight? They made life fun.
I have learned a lot about motherhood - and how I intend to approach it - from her (good and bad). I've learned what I for sure want to do, and what I hope I'll never do (I guess you never know, though). I have learned about motherhood from the 'Moms' who have loved me along the way, who weren't my own. Some have been babysitters, some have been teachers, some have been guidance councillors, some have been Moms of friends, some have been co-workers, some have been strangers, some have been family, some have been fictional.
I know I hear a lot that "you can't have an opinion about being a mother until you are one". I guess. I may even say that in the future, and I may turn out to be completely different as a mother than how I anticipate now. But, as someone who was once a child, a friend of people who have kids already, and especially as a teacher, I've made a pretty hefty 'to do/not to do' list that I hope I can stick with. Yes, I'll falter at times. Yes, I'll change my mind. But, in essence, I have a lot of life experience that has paved my way. And, I'm getting really close to being 'ready'.
I also prepare myself for the possibilities. I am an eternal optimist, but I'm also realistic. I know the possibilities of miscarriage. I've already forgiven myself if that should ever happen to us. Everything happens for a reason, and if for some reason that should happen to us, it's out of my hands. I know some people who will be (or are) remarkable parents who have been through this (some repeatedly, which breaks my heart). Somewhere out there is a reason for this, for which we will never have an answer.
On that, I don't anticipate that will happen to me, or wish it upon myself (obviously). I've even been told - by a very experienced gynaecologist - that my husband and I may have trouble conceiving (given my anatomy). For that knowledge I am grateful. He even gave me advice for if we find we're struggling. He politely, in as gentlemanly a manner as he could muster, stated, "I don't know what you young ones are calling it these days. Doggy style? That should do the trick". Ironically I was seeing him about a birth control option I attempted, which turned out to be a pain in the 'you know what', so at the time his advice seemed unnecessary. Although as you can see, I've never forgotten it. I laughed as I told my husband the news, and his very concerned response only bettered the situation. He simply said, "But, what if we have puppies?"
As if you've ever doubted why I married him, there's more proof. He's certainly a keeper!
As if you've ever doubted why I married him, there's more proof. He's certainly a keeper!
So, now I know that when we are actively trying to conceive, he's going to have to flip me over. As I told the old gynaecologist back in the day (who I might add had come back from retirement twice), "that's ok, I happen to like that position" which was met with an agreeable and thoughtful nod (not weird at all, right?)
I've talked to friends who have warned me that when I'm ready I'll be so ready that I won't want to wait. I anticipate that fully, as I'm just that kind of person as it is. But, they've also given me tips; some of them are identical, some conflict. I figure people (and animals, and even plants) have been doing this reproduction thing since the beginning of time (millions of years ago, in my scientific opinion) so there doesn't need to be too strict a formula. Although one thing stands out when I discuss this with my female friends and loved ones who are pregnant, or are mothers; they kept their feet elevated for some time after the deed was done. Really? Oh goodness. Yoga for prospective mothers? Should I force Aidan to do the same and do some core strength training alongside me? Or, can we bond over the possibility of becoming parents while he stands at the end of the bed with my feet resting on his shoulders? Even better, if I'm in doggy style position when we finish, should I stay that way and do a handstand style plank position? Did any of you play 'wheelbarrow' when you were little, where one person walks on their hands while the other trails along behind holding up said person's feet? Maybe we can do that, only stationary. But for how long, though? Or, maybe I can quickly flip over and raise my legs in the traditional "I really want to get pregnant more than anything in the world" way. You see, there's so much to consider. It's daunting, to say the least!
The other advice we've been given is to just do it often, without thinking too much, and without worry. It will happen - when it's meant to.
Still, if you know me, you know I'm a planner. You know I like to have my ducks in a row, and I like them to stay that way. I would say that's likely a product of how unpredictable (and sometimes volatile) my early years were. You can't really blame me. With that, and before you form an opinion, I hope you see what I'm about to say as optimistic - not as a jinx. We already have the bedroom ready. Well, my husband did all the dirty work, but we have a basically blank slate room that's been painted a beautiful neutral green (at first it was what I like to call electric kiwi - due to poor mixing at the store where we bought it). It has brand new carpet, black out curtains, and a ceiling fan. We already have a crib and mattress lined up, thanks to generous family members who won't be having any more kids, and I even bought the bedding I'd adored from afar when it went on sale for half off (plus I had a coupon to add to the deal). Yes, I'm A-type. Yes, I'm a planner. I promise I don't judge people who aren't (I actually admire it)¸but that's just not how I roll. So, when we feel mentally ready (my husband told me ages ago he already is), and the fates align (AKA when the magical moment of conception occurs) I'll be as ready as I can possibly be.
I'm sure I'll have those telltale moments newly pregnant women or new mothers admit to, possibly even repeatedly, where you panic, wondering if you've made the biggest mistake of your life. I'll likely feel that way a lot during labour, however that goes. And, so many people who are on us about having kids keep saying "there's no 'good' or 'right' time."
Of course. Totally. I get it. But, I'm going to approach it my way, and hope that it works out well. Until then, I'll keep collecting cast off and loaned 'mother to be' books, and I'll keep my baby names book under my coffee table with a highlighter as a bookmark, thankyouverymuch.
In short, there are a lot of things I intend to do as a mother that I won't know for sure about until I'm given the honour and chance. But, there are some biggies I've learned over the years as a daughter, friend, and teacher that I hope I adhere to. Some I've learned because I want to emulate them, some I've learned because I want to do things differently. Hopefully I don't miss anything important:
1. Your children are not your friends, especially not when they're wee ones. Like puppies, they require boundaries and consistency. If you allow a puppy to be unruly, and you spoil them and don't provide consequences, consistency and expectations of them, you're going to end up with a bigger version of that when they grow up. The difference? Dogs have a shorter lifespan. Set up your children early to be respectable, diligent and responsible people. Do it for you and them.
2. Feed them healthy foods, from scratch as often as possible, even when they complain. Have them be a part of the process. Teach them the importance of eating and being healthy at a young age so they appreciate it when they're older. Persist if they refuse. If your intentions are good, they'll eventually cave. Set an example. Practice what you preach.
3. Spend as much quality time with them where you nurture their imaginations as much as possible. I don't know when my sense of wonder and awe and childhood creativity got squashed, but it breaks my heart to this day. Nurture that in children as long as you're able, and live vicariously through them.
4. Limit screen time, and make sure it stays a reward or short lived privilege. Any kind of gadget that takes away from their ability to socialise in person should be limited, and discussed. I want to raise my children myself as much as possible, not the apps, games, and shows on TV.
5. Talk with them about the nitty gritty stuff, even if it makes both of you uncomfortable. Know as much about your children as possible. Raise them in an environment where their wishes, dreams, and personality traits are celebrated and loved, as long as they are good intentioned. Do not make them be someone they aren't. They'll only resent you or push you away.
6. Make punishment and consequences count. Don't assume they won't understand your reasoning. Explain why you are saying no, or taking away a privilege. Teach them remorse and regret and how to apologize young. They are skills that you can't put a price on. Try not to say "because I told you so" and leave it at that. Often you are saying no to your kids for a reason. Share that with them. Help them understand. And, with that, always make the punishment fit the crime. Consequences that make sense hold the most weight.
7. On that note, recognize that sharing disappointment in a child is often way worse punishment than yelling and screaming at them (especially if they love and respect you). If you yell and scream at them they are learning to yell and scream. And, think about how you react when someone raises their voice at you; do you tune them out? I know I do. You can say the exact same thing in 2 different ways and that 'same thing' takes on 2 very different meanings. Always try a gentle reminder first. That way, when you really do get angry, your kids know you mean it. I don't want my children to be afraid of me in general, I only want them to be afraid of me when they know they deserve it.
8. Do zany and unexpected things with them. Especially when it comes to setting up family traditions. Have picnics in the living room for dinner sometimes. If they can't sleep, put on your favourite record and dance them around the room. Embarrass them by being genuinely kind and outgoing with strangers. Help them see the beauty and excitement in the simple things in life. This stuff my Mom was exceptional at.
9. Try not to put a lot of value on things and name brands. Help them see that they are more than their clothing, and what they have. Help them see that if other people are judging them based on what they are wearing, then they aren't the best choice of friend there is. Help build their confidence and sense of self to the point that they know this, without you having to tell them. We are all more than our clothing. We are all more than our things. Tell them they are beautiful and handsome and even 'cute', yes. But, make sure you tell them they are valued, intelligent, funny, helpful, and loved, more.
10. Instil in them a good work ethic, and start young. Whether it be household chores, school work, or a job, children need to learn that to get what they want and need (be that things or status) they have to earn it. First and foremost, I want my children to earn respect from others. I want them to always be actively doing their best, which will be enough, in all areas of their lives. My children will know that there is no such thing is perfect, and that's more than ok.
11. Charity is necessary, and can be simple. It can be the way you treat your neighbours, elderly family members, or the cashier at the grocery store. It can be returning something you find that isn't yours. It can be donating money and goods to those less fortunate. In short, help them see that giving of themselves to others will come back to them. It always does. Teach them this first by example.
12. Show them the value of friendship. First and foremost, always nurture the friendship you have with their father (if you have that and can) so they see that on a consistent basis. Show them on a regular basis that you love your spouse beyond a doubt. When your children see that, they are constantly reminded of how they came to be. If you don't feel it, at least be respectful. And, never speak ill of your counterpart to your children. Instead of helping them to form an opinion about the other parent, it often works backwards and helps them to form their opinion of you (I should know). If - for whatever reason - your marriage can't last, remain friends, and do 'divorce' graciously. Friends bicker. Friends disagree. Sometimes friends fall out of friendship and love. Make sure you do that respectfully. Don't name call, don't 'laugh at', don't belittle, don't criticize, don't judge. If you are differing in opinion, leave it at that. Still listen, and always compromise.
13. Never shame or make them feel silly - about anything. Especially never put down their appearance, or their life choices (as long as they aren't hurting anyone). Always give them a chance.
14. Get to know their friends, and create an environment in your home where they want to be. If you embarrass them in front of their friends, they'll stop inviting them over. Then you won't be able to see who they spend their time with. First and foremost, raise children who choose their friends and extra-curriculars responsibly. I wasn't a saint by any means, but it never took me long to realise when I was doing something harmful or irresponsible. I cared what my Mom thought about my choices, and changed them when I knew (or feared) she'd be unhappy.
15. Nurture their love of music (listening to it, playing it, singing to it, dancing to it) and the outdoors. Encourage athleticism, but let them lead the way.
16. Admit when you've lost your cool or your temper (and apologize). Explain what they did that pushed you over the edge. And, if they didn't actually do anything, admit that, too. Tell them that you took your stress out on them and shouldn't have. They will learn humility from this. At the same time, be sensitive if they're whiny or grumpy because they're tired or they've had a bad day. We all get free passes once in awhile. Hug them and cuddle them or just make them their favourite snack to distract them from the crappy way they're feeling. Think of how nice it would be if someone did that for you every time you felt down in the dumps.
17. Teach them early how to pick up after themselves, and expect it. Even if it is a fight, you don't want to get trapped being the 'picker upper' for life (and you don't want their spouse to get stuck with that in the future, either).
18. Make sure they respect authority, and their elders. It doesn't hurt for them to feel inferior sometimes. If someone has earned a title where they can tell your child what to do (with good intention), or has had more life experience, your children should see and appreciate that. They should also know there will be times where they can respectfully say no, disagree, or walk away. Help them see the difference.
19. Show them the world, and help them respect peoples' differences. Even vacations within Canada Ontario
20. Take their teachers' sides as much as possible. Make sure they know you are going to do that, unless a situation where it's just not possible presents itself. Teaching is one of the hardest jobs there is. Appreciate everything your childrens' teachers are sacrificing for them. Cut them a break. And, if something happens that you question, question the teacher (and approach them first with kindness and respect). Never go above them to the principal or superintendent unless the situation absolutely warrants it. Raise your children in such a way that if they come home concerned or hurt by something that happened at school, you know you can believe them.
21. Remind them repeatedly that life doesn't just 'happen to them', and that many of the obstacles they will face will be a result of their choices. Help them critically and rationally make choices instead of placing blame on others. Don't let them 'play victim' unless they actually are. Help them become the kind of people that others are happy to see arrive, and sad to see go. Also help them to recognize how powerful their body language is in communicating their message. Teach this by example, first and foremost.
22. Help them to be financially responsible. Have them earn an allowance. Help them find their first job. Expect it. Show them ways of saving money. But, also allow them to have fun with it. Set an example of a balanced life; one where the future is planned for, but the present is enjoyed. Remember that the here and now is all we know we have, but tomorrow is a hopeful possibility that we should be somewhat prepared for.
23. Make sure your partner knows they are equally as important in the raising of your children. Allow their strengths and differences from you take over sometimes. Nurture their relationship as much as you nurture your own, because there will be times when you need or want a break. Help your man feel and believe he is competent. If he's struggling (because sometimes the same instinct just isn't there) help him. Don't tease him or take over. That's not what good teachers do. And when they take over, and do their part, be genuinely and openly grateful for all they contribute. Remember that your relationship existed before your children came to be.
24. Have a sense of humour. Laugh at their jokes. Laugh together as a couple. Show your children the difference between laughing together, and 'laughing at' (by never doing the latter). Try to be silly together as much as possible. Life is short. Life can be tough. If we can't have fun as a family, how can we elsewhere?
25. Remember that these children of yours will grow up to be adults. It's scary, but true. Yes it will take a long time to get there, but they will be someone else's friend. They will hopefully find a great life partner. They will be a student, an employee, and parents some day. Most of all, remember that when you are old or sick, they will likely be the ones to look after you. Practice the 'Golden Rule'. Treat them how you will someday want to be treated. I sometimes contemplated not having children, and then when I reflect on the time I spent with my Mom in her final days, I realize the importance more and more. That's selfish me speaking, yes, but when the reality of needing children to care for me in my ripe old age hits me, I then reflect on watching them ride a bike, lose teeth, go on dates, graduate, get married, and have children of their own. I can't miss all of that!
26. Finally? Tell them you love them. Mean it. Tell them often. Tell them why. Never, ever leave room for doubt.
I'm sure I forgot a lot that I'll wish I wrote, but isn't that what parenting is about? Or should I say, what parenting should be about?
I was recently given praise for having forgiven my Mom for 'not wanting me'. Then, in a twist of fate I didn't expect, I was asked to forgive myself for not being wanted.
