Needs vs. Wants

I’m sorry I haven’t written in awhile. There are a number of reasons for this; mostly that I’ve been busy, partly because sometimes I have so many ideas floating around in my head that I don’t know where to start, but also because I was sick.

No, I wasn’t sick in a way that one should be concerned about. I’m quite well now, although a residual cough (that sounds worse than it actually is at times) often leaves me short of breath, and turning heads in public places. If the poor strangers who look at me in disgust could have only heard me a few weeks ago! What am I supposed to do, hibernate? I’m coughing into my elbow for goodness sake!

I’d never been beaten up by a “flu bug” before this. To be honest, when I had heard mumblings about those ‘knock you on your butt (or back) in full body pain’ kinds of colds, I thought that I’d probably also had ‘one of those’ at some point, but I was just tougher than that, or, had persisted dumbly and numbly through the pain. Well, I’ve had my rude awakening, and I will always be humble for it. I am so sorry if I ever doubted you (or thought you were a flu-excuse wuss).

It started as a tickle in my throat, which led to a swollen tightening, which ultimately became a hoarse voice that I chuckled about with a grade 2/3 class I was supply teaching in. We all thought it so funny that my voice would come in and out like the slide on a trombone, as I pleaded with them to be quiet so that I wouldn’t have to over-strain my voice. On the way home that day I not only decided to cancel yoga that night, but also my next day of work. This bytheway is not something I take lightly, considering we own a house that needs way too much ‘fixing up’, and we are getting re-married in less than 6 months. I take all the relaxation (yoga) and financial opportunities (supply job) I can get!

Within a 24 hour period my whole system seemed to shut down. I was actually scared. I attempted to self-diagnose, and take it easy in hopes of mending myself in time for a wedding I was supposed to attend that weekend (that - of course - I was whole-heartedly looking forward to attending). But, when I was awoken in the middle of the night prior to it with pain in my throat so sever that it felt like I had swallowed burning gasoline, along with a couple of tap dancing cleaver knives, I thought I should hit up a walk-in clinic nearby. Oh the joys of having the yellow pages app. on my blackberry! There was one within 1 kilometre of our apartment, that would be open bright and early at 9am. I was sure the Doc would find that I had something that needed antibiotics, and that I’d be on my way with relief and hope to be better soon. Not so. Yes, I saw a Doc. But, after examining me and discussing my symptoms, he stated I’d picked up a virus and that my body would have to fight this one off on its own. He prescribed a numbing gargle to help ease my throat, and sent me on my way. Plenty of fluids didn’t seem quite like the medicine I had been hoping for.

* Please note that I had stopped by a natural remedy and wellness store at the early onset of persistent symptoms – due to the confident suggestion of a dear friend - and had been using a natural throat spray, was taking 5 drops of oregano oil 2-3 times a day (blek!), and was also drinking a natural plant juice a few times a day. None of this was a) working, or b) in any way enjoyable!

So, I took my throat numbing gargle and my defeated spirit home. I knew that I wasn’t going to comfortably and happily make it to (or through) the wedding, so I waved my white flag of sickness, and cried like a baby. By the time my body hit the couch that day, my whole neck was swollen from throbbing glands and lymph nodes (well, I’m assuming that was the reason) and even my eye lids hurt. If I turned my eyes from side to side or up and down without my head moving with them, I moaned in pain. I took a Tylenol, gargled, poured myself a chamomile tea, closed the curtains to stop my throbbing headache, and passed the time watching Erin Brockovich.

Many a time I felt truly sorry for myself, even given the emotional weight of what I was watching. And, as it hit me how incredible a Mom Erin Brockovich was/is, it hit me that this was the very first time I was sick and didn’t have my Mom to look after my sorry ass. This may seem simple to you, but, it was like an avalanche of reality. All the debris from this landed in my chest; right between my ravaged ‘cough-created abs’ and my seemingly blistered and festering throat. That’s right – it made my heart ache – right in the middle right there.

So, I was overcome with the realization that my Mom had always - no matter her level of stress or responsibilities – dropped everything to either make me better, or at least distract me or trick me into thinking I was well on my way to recovery. Here was another slap in the face reminder that I am now a grown-up, and I would have to find my own way through the mess. If I could have even called her for advice, or just to hear her voice and cry to her, it would have made the situation all the more bearable.

As an educator, my Mom always said that children - these days especially - are often controlled by an “Ineeda Monster”. She always marvelled at my initial desire to teach primary grades, as she said that she wouldn’t be able to handle how dependent and needy those age levels could be. She had faced many an “Ineeda Monster” in her years of teaching grade 4. This, by the way, was ultimately her favourite grade to teach. My biggest “Ineeda Monster” was swiftly crawling out from under the bed. I needed my Mom, even if I didn’t really. I felt like I needed her more just because I knew I couldn’t have her (oh how we experience that throughout our lives)!

My posts often have a ‘you see’ moment, and here comes this ones’.

You see, my Mom and I often had a backwards needs vs. wants relationship, considering most mother/daughter duos I know. Even as a small child, when I certainly needed the basic necessities from her (food, water, shelter), I also desperately wanted her to openly want me in her life. Yes, I’ve mentioned it before, and please don’t hold any anger or disappointment towards her due to this truth (I don’t, so why should you, right?). I don’t know if it was the single parent + stressful job that led her to her opinion of me, or the fact that she hadn’t planned on having a child with my Dad but got stuck with me (and him) anyway. But, either way, I was always very aware of the fact that she often regretted having had me. She didn’t always say it outright, although she did at times, but even so I always knew it deep down.

So, when I should have (justifiably) been a big “Ineeda Monster”, I was an “Iwanta Monster”. My heart just always yearned to be told it was worth it, and to hear that I was loved and wanted. So, I decided very young to lead a life where I would always try to make choices in hopes that I would sometime gain that acceptance and pride. On my Mom’s side of the coin, due to the stress in her life and her argument style, she alienated and isolated herself quite often. So, I became a substitute spouse and friend figure. I heard about the tough days at work, disagreements with colleagues and friends, and how overwhelmed she was with taking care of the house on her own. She needed a confidant and someone that would love her no matter what – especially when she least deserved it. That’s where I came in.

Close friends (who know more of the grim details about my childhood) will often say, “Why didn’t someone do something to have you taken away?”. My response is a matter-of-fact, “I don’t know”. But, I can assure you – even when things were at their worst - I wouldn’t have wanted to be taken away. I knew my Mom needed me, and I wanted her love and affection. If I’d been taken away I never would have had a chance to know if I could have found success in my mission (you’ll be happy to hear that I did).

Don’t get me wrong; yes, sometimes my childhood/household experiences were messy. When I told my Mom I loved her, for the longest time she responded with a smile and said, “Ok”. Ha! “You too” has the same number of syllables, for goodness-sake! I used to wish she would fake it, even if she didn’t mean it. But, there were a lot of happy and beautiful memories, too. Luckily, as I’ve mentioned before, those are the ones that hang out in my mind like locals at the general store. And, when she was very sick, and she needed me even more, she told me (like it was going out of style) how much she loved me, was proud of me, and how beautiful she thought I was. Years and years of confusion and desperation vanished into thin air, and I know that has saved me a lot of therapy (you can laugh, but, I actually mean that).

So, only now that she’s gone do I feel like I ‘need’ her. “Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone?”. I always believed that, but never so much as I do now.

Luckily I have a genuinely incredible partner in life. He completes me – but not in a way that is dependent and needy. He is my best friend. He makes me laugh, even when I think it’s impossible. He challenges me to see myself honestly. He loves me, even when I might not deserve it. He appreciates me and the things I do (even the small things that I mostly do without thinking). People who know this man, and know him well, have nothing but good things to say about him. I would be willing to bet that a lot of women that he has dated or has been friends with secretly love him for the remarkable person he is. They might even hate me a bit for being ‘the one’, and I hope that I win them over once they get to know me. For some odd reason he picked me; little old me, who wasn’t even really meant to be born. Imagine that! Talk about a confidence booster. He makes me feel ‘worth it’, and that’s one of the best gifts I have ever been given.

You may have noticed, but I really enjoy using similes to describe things, and I recently remarked to a friend that I feel like I’m like Swiss cheese, or a Tetris game. And, I am so lucky to have wonderful people in my life that fit into the gaps so that I am not alone, and I feel complete. I think I would be ok without them, but, it certainly wouldn’t be as lovely and ‘whole’.

I recently had an emotional heart to heart with a very close friend of mine who is a mother. She knows many of the truths about my upbringing, and life in general. She still finds it incredible that I have so much love for my Mom in my heart, considering. She openly asked me what she should do in order to ensure her daughter loves her similarly. And, I didn’t have an answer for her.

I think that no matter what, we all want love and appreciation from our parents. Most children get it, no strings attached. Some kids get too much. Some children have it worse than others, and some even get ‘taken away’ completely. But, based on research I did in University, a very big percentage of those kids (who get taken away) wish that they hadn’t been. So, is it the maternal connection that never goes away that causes that? Or, is it just like wanting curly hair if your hair is straight, and vice versa? If our Moms play hard to get, does it make us want to fight for them more? I don’t know. All I know is that this friend of mine has one of the biggest hearts I’ve ever encountered, and now that she’s a Momma, the love inside of that big ol’ heart of hers spills out all over the place for her beautiful little girl. There’s no way, even as a small child, that her daughter isn’t fully aware of the oodles and loads of love her Mom has for her. So, ultimately, I’d have to say she doesn’t have a thing to worry about.

Again, I’m not (yet) a mother. And, the thought of having kids is scary for a lot of reasons. But, I think one of the things parents often do is doubt themselves. No matter how good or bad you are at it, you’re always going to feel like you’re making mistakes, or you could be doing it better. I see this as being like the boss that tells you to stop being so hard on yourself, “It’s always the people that worry about their performance on the job that are doing the best at it”. I’d have to say the same about parenting.

I’m also really good at seeing and openly recognizing the gifts other people have, but often don’t give myself any (or enough) credit.

So, as much as it’s surreal and even a bit sad to realize, I really don’t ‘need’ my Mom anymore. I was really sick, but I’m doing just fine now.

When my time comes, and it’s my turn to be a mother, I can already predict 2 things. 1, I’ll always feel like I’m not doing quite well enough, and 2, I’ll say “I love you” way too much.

At least there are worse things I could say…