Always the last place you left it…

That’s what you say when you lose something. And you see… I don’t lose stuff. Ask anyone who knows me – even a little bit – how organized I am. I mean, there are anomalies to this rule. Sometimes I misplace my keys temporarily. Usually they’re in the bottom of an unnecessarily large purse, one of way too many pockets in a jacket, or right in my hand. Still, all of the above would also be considered the last place I left them. Sometimes I’m not sure where I left my eye glasses. But you see, I don’t wear them all the time, and I don’t like to carry them when I don’t need to in case I break them somehow. Those babies were $300 and make it possible to see Broadway shows from the balcony! Even my bank card disappears from time to time. But, if it’s not where it should be, it’s always in ‘the other’ place; where I keep my credit card. These losses are always because I have been absent-minded, for a mere second sometimes. But, that doesn’t mean it’s not exhaustingly frustrating to search for whatever it happens to be that I need.

Other than those everyday things, I am one of the most organized people I know. I actually enjoy organizing, and have been told I could make a living helping others to organize, too. A funny roommate of mine once said that she sometimes had the urge to go into my bedroom when I wasn’t home to throw a few things around, just because. You can be sure I would have noticed!

There are other types of losses, but they are figurative ones:

Some people “lose their shirts” (which I guess can be taken literally, too). Typically, losing one’s shirt means to go bankrupt or lose all of your money to a bad investment, gambling, etc.

Some people “lose their marbles” (which can also be taken literally if it’s a game you enjoy). This means to lose one’s mind – to illness, age, substance abuse, love, and so on. A shorter version of this kind of loss is to simply “lose it”.

Some people “lose it” or “lose their cool” in a different way. This terminology can be used to explain someone who has lost their temper. They may be in a fit of rage, and may speak or act explosively.

Others “lose themselves”. This can be a more positive form of figurative loss. It is typically when someone is so emotionally or mentally involved in another person or thing that they succumb to it. I have “lost myself” at outdoor concerts, and break into what a dear friend calls my ‘hippy sway’. Some lose themselves in a great book, or movie. Some people lose themselves – usually temporarily – to an unhealthy relationship. Friends and family members wait patiently and hopefully for the return of the loved one (this only happens when that person is ready, not when you tell them to).

Another loss we speak of figuratively is the ‘loss’ of one’s virginity. This isn’t something people typically set down and then forget about until they need it next. Oh no, anything but that. Many give their ‘V cards’ away, or, may even feel like it was taken from them. Trust me, very few people feel that they were preoccupied with other matters and lost their virginity. Plus, once it’s gone, you can’t get it back. Good or bad, it won’t be the last place you left it.

There are likely a million more figurative uses of the word loss, but the one I am struggling with most these days is the loss of my Mom. You see, I don’t lose things. They’re always the last place I left them.

This whole blog is about the biggest loss I’ve every suffered. And, the most frustrating part of it all is that it’s a loss that will never be found. Well, not in a physical sense. But, that’s a whole other post in itself.

I used to – admittedly - casually say to others, “I’m sorry for your loss”. But really, you are indirectly calling that person careless with their valuables. You are giving them false hope that they may, at some point, find that person alive and well again in the last place they were left.

Trust me, once you experience a loss that takes your breath away, and you wonder if you’ll ever catch that breath again, being accused of being a disorganized, sloppy person who was capable of losing – of all things – a human being, can be very confusing.

So, if you’re ever in my company when someone says the famous words, and I make light of the situation by answering the “sorry for your loss” with a, “it’s not your fault”, you’re welcome to smile. You can even laugh a little. Why pretty up the reality that someone has died?

If you want to say it gently, I’m ok with ‘passed away’ or ‘passed on’. Because you see, that’s something my Mom did do. I didn’t lose her. Oh trust me, I don’t lose things! But, she has passed on into another state of life. I don’t have full proof that she’s still here in spirit, or that there is really what some people call Heaven. But, she certainly isn’t in all those everyday routines I took for granted for about 26 years. I still get the urge to call her first as soon as I leave work. And they aren’t her voicemails on my cell phone (that went on sometimes for 5 minutes). And her voice isn’t the one telling me to make up my own mind when I call her for advice. Just hearing her voice helped me to do that. I just wanted to know I wasn’t alone, and she would love me anyway if for some reason I made a bad decisions.

Wherever she is, she has passed by me. It’s kind of like watching a train pull away, with your loved one in the window, and you want to chase the train forever just so you will never forget their big brown eyes, the red lipstick they always wore, or the sweet pursed smile they made with their mouth when they were trying not to cry, or they were really happy and proud. If I could have run fast enough to chase that train my Mom was on, I’d be long gone. But, that’s the thing about death. We can’t keep up with the train. But, one thing’s for sure. Even though you can’t actually see their face in real life anymore, you never forget any of those things you want to hold onto with every ounce of your being.

And, although many of my loved ones have commented over the past 6 months and 10 days that I am dealing and coping quite well “considering my loss”, I still have my moments. And trust me, if it had really been my fault that my Mom was somewhere in a purse, or pocket, and I knew I was going to find her as long as I could remember the last place I left her, I’d be a frantic mess. You see, we only realize we lost something when we really need it, and there are times that I feel I really need my Mom.

One last thing, to lighten the mood a little bit more. My Mom was never one to ‘flip the bird’. She loved the loser sign, and often used it when expressing frustration while driving. I can proudly say that she never flipped me the capital L.

Because, you see, I don’t lose things.

I will always love her as much as the moon, and stars, and the sky up above,

C. Daughter

* side note. My Mom loved to write as well. She wrote poems, stories, letters, emails – you name it. And, in the last few years of her life she often signed off with T. Mom (hence my sign-off name for this blog).